Tuesday, October 21, 2008

New Doctor

I am going to a new doctor today. I spent the better half of last night filling out his 97 new patient forms. Every question about every body part imaginable. Several insurance forms where I gave the exact same information several times. Every disclosure imaginable.

In case of emergency whom do we notify?
In case of an emergency happening to the person whom we call in case of emergency whom do we notify?
You realize there is a law that says we can only release your medical info to the people you specify...
To whom can we release your medical information?
In case of an emergency happening to the person whom we can release your medical information to, whom should we call?
In case your pinkie finger gets lodged in our equipment, whom do we call and can we release your information to this person?
Do you solemnly swear not to sue us at any time for any reason whatsoever so help you God?
If , in the event, you do choose to sue us, this is whom you should contact..........Oh, and we are not responsible for anything that goes on in this office or any other office. However, it is your responsibility to make sure that you pay on time, ask pertinent questions, deal with your own insurance and know that we are only dealing with you and your insurance as a courtesy to you. You must call our office 24 hours in advance to postpone or reschedule your appointment. If you are a new patient, you need to be here 30 minutes early to fill out our whopping load of paperwork. If you are an existing patient, you need to be here 15 minutes early just so we can make you wait in our ridiculously cold waiting room for as long as we so desire. If at any time you are not satisfied with the care you receive from this office, you have every right to find a new doctor. However, we will bill you for each and every visit and any future thoughts of trying us again. Also, we may bill your insurance for more than you actually owe because, they are insurance and they deserve it. Please sign attached form and make sure your legal guardian signs it, too. Oh, and don't forget the drop of blood.

I'm signing it, but I am adding my own disclosures. I, Tessa McCook, do solemnly swear to adhere to your rules and regulations IF you adhere to mine.....
1. The doctor will see me within 15 minutes of my scheduled time. If not, he refunds my $20 copay and a latte.
2. Nurses and staff will not ask me to stand on the damn scale every time I walk into the office. Unless, you want to do it with me. If you stand your happy ass on the scale after I do, I might feel a little better.
3. Do not assume that I am stupid or haven't done my research.
4. Do not put me on any medication that requires being checked into a mental facility without actually checking me into a mental facility. (and it needs to be a nice one)
5. If you tell me that I am about to feel a little pressure and it actually hurts, I get to kick you. So, be honest.

I"ll let you know if he signs it!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Walking the dogs and poop nonsense

Recently, Oprah had a show on civility. They discussed rude behaviours, etiquette and do's and dont's in polite society. I found this show very interesting. Especially, in the category of walking your dog and what to do with your dog's doodoo. See, I live next to a park where I frequently, though not nearly enough, walk my dogs, Audrey Hepburn and Pepper Hepburn. The Hepburn's love a good walk and they can't possibly go without some kind of elimination along the way. Our park has convenient little poop collection bags all along the pathway and although I consider this a very lovely idea, I rarely take advantage of them. I don't want to pick up dog poop. If they poo on the pavement, yes. If they poo in the grass in a spot where I don't think someone will wander into, no. It is dog poop. It is a park. There are squirrels everywhere pooping away the day. My dogs tiny little turd will decompose in a few days and it will enhance the very nature of the park. I don't want to pick it up and I don't think it is necessary.
On the other hand, let's say I had a big Lab or Rott and this dog pooed in the park (I would never own one of these large, hairy, smelly beasts) I would take along one of those big metal pooper scoopers and gladly deposit the mountainous poo in the trash can.

I am pretty sure that O and the other etiquette police feel that you should always scoop the poop no matter what. I disagree. I feel that there should be guidelines to follow about when and where you should scoop. For instance, you should never leave poo in someones well manicured lawn. That is just wrong!
I think if you do this you deserve to have the same poo put in a bag and lit on fire on your front porch. (If I were someone who picked up poop, I would do this!)

You should never leave poo of any size on a walking path, even if the path is not paved. It is still a path for walking and one should not have to worry about walking in your dogs poop.

You should never leave it in a play area. Have you ever had to clean dog poop off you toddler's shoe with a wipey? Not good, my friends, not good.

I feel these are some pretty good guidelines to start with.

After saying all of this about dogs I do feel it is my duty to confront the cat people. For some reason you guys think it is perfectly fine to allow your precious cats to roam about the neighborhood pooping in our flower beds, peeing on our front porches and napping on our patio furniture. This is NOT okay. It is nasty.
We have a grey cat that thinks my flower beds are toilets. I am going to start using Landry's air soft guns to shoot it with little bee bees when I see it. Maybe that will get my point across. OH, maybe I could use it on the man with the little brown dog. Beware!!!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Language Arts & Farts

This evening Landry was reading to me. He has been working on emphasizing the bold and uppercase words. Tonight he decided to sing them. After one such performance, he held this funny pose and said, "I'm Oprah." He meant opera. Completely funny!

Sophie was walking around singing this evening as well. Her song went something like this, "old acquaintance be forgot, I got a grand old car.."

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Starbuck's Shock

I don't know how to begin.
I am in shock.
Seriously, total and complete shock.
I am aware that our economy is in dire straits. I am aware that gas cost as much as a labotomy and exploritory surgery. I know that I, personally, have stopped any random and frivolous spending, but I never expected this. And, since I do not watch the news or read the papers (as my dad says) I have been blindsided by some distressing news. So, just in case you are anything like me and would rather watch Entertainment Tonight than World News, BRACE YOURSELF.

Starbucks is closing 600 stores! 600! Stores!

4 of which are very, conveniently located close to me. Cooper and Arbrook, Cooper and Bardin, Cooper and Green Oaks and Collins St. The only reason I am aware of this mad fact on this most beautiful, however depressing, day is because I happened upon one of the closed stores.

Cooper and Arbrook.

Sophie and I were buying some new white Keds at Just Kids Shoes (an excellent kid shoe store). We generally make our shoe purchase, peruse Kid to Kid's bow selection and make our way over to Starbucks for a Venti Iced Green Tea with two Splenda's for me and a kids apple juice for Soph. When I saw the brown paper covering all of the windows I assumed that they were remodeling. Bummer for my tea craving, cool for my sense of style. When I asked the JKS owner what was going on he very casually said, "They closed it down."
I felt a little faint. I had to sit down so as not to disturb the perfect placement of all the shoes lining the walls. Once I caught my breath, I said, "Crazy say what?" (real fast and with a hick accent like Miley Cyrus, go back and say it again) He said, "Yeah, 4 days ago. They just came in and closed it down. They announced in July that they were closing over 400 stores." The room started spinning, my heart stopped and I blacked out. Somehow, I walked out of there with a new pair of shoes and two bundles of socks. It's all a blur. For shizzle, we are in trouble people!!!

When a powerhouse like Starbucks closes 600 (is this a magic number?) stores in less than a year, we have a problem. I know very few people who do not frequent Starbucks. I am there much more often than I should be. However, even I have, for the last several months, started making my own IGT2S at home and only buying one when I am out and completely Jonesing. So I say to you, America, (say this like Bernie Mac RIP) we are in trouble. Who would have thought in a million years that Starbucks would be in this situation. These is crazy days, people!