Tuesday, October 21, 2008

New Doctor

I am going to a new doctor today. I spent the better half of last night filling out his 97 new patient forms. Every question about every body part imaginable. Several insurance forms where I gave the exact same information several times. Every disclosure imaginable.

In case of emergency whom do we notify?
In case of an emergency happening to the person whom we call in case of emergency whom do we notify?
You realize there is a law that says we can only release your medical info to the people you specify...
To whom can we release your medical information?
In case of an emergency happening to the person whom we can release your medical information to, whom should we call?
In case your pinkie finger gets lodged in our equipment, whom do we call and can we release your information to this person?
Do you solemnly swear not to sue us at any time for any reason whatsoever so help you God?
If , in the event, you do choose to sue us, this is whom you should contact..........Oh, and we are not responsible for anything that goes on in this office or any other office. However, it is your responsibility to make sure that you pay on time, ask pertinent questions, deal with your own insurance and know that we are only dealing with you and your insurance as a courtesy to you. You must call our office 24 hours in advance to postpone or reschedule your appointment. If you are a new patient, you need to be here 30 minutes early to fill out our whopping load of paperwork. If you are an existing patient, you need to be here 15 minutes early just so we can make you wait in our ridiculously cold waiting room for as long as we so desire. If at any time you are not satisfied with the care you receive from this office, you have every right to find a new doctor. However, we will bill you for each and every visit and any future thoughts of trying us again. Also, we may bill your insurance for more than you actually owe because, they are insurance and they deserve it. Please sign attached form and make sure your legal guardian signs it, too. Oh, and don't forget the drop of blood.

I'm signing it, but I am adding my own disclosures. I, Tessa McCook, do solemnly swear to adhere to your rules and regulations IF you adhere to mine.....
1. The doctor will see me within 15 minutes of my scheduled time. If not, he refunds my $20 copay and a latte.
2. Nurses and staff will not ask me to stand on the damn scale every time I walk into the office. Unless, you want to do it with me. If you stand your happy ass on the scale after I do, I might feel a little better.
3. Do not assume that I am stupid or haven't done my research.
4. Do not put me on any medication that requires being checked into a mental facility without actually checking me into a mental facility. (and it needs to be a nice one)
5. If you tell me that I am about to feel a little pressure and it actually hurts, I get to kick you. So, be honest.

I"ll let you know if he signs it!


LynnAnn said...

I love this! You crack me up!

Natalie said...

if he signs it, i will need you to forward me his contact information because i will be changing doctors!!!

Vickie Otts said...

So glad to hear you are exploring new options. Hope everything works out and helps you find the answers that you desire and need! Love your blog as always. You are so funny. I got mine up and going and I am enjoying it. Have only posted twice, but it was fun!